Hi, hello.

It’s me again, writing to you one final time before the new year commences.

As it goes, I’ve written a lot of sentences and an almost adequate amount of paragraphs in the past few months, but none of them belong together, which is a problem when you’re trying to write a cohesive newsletter or essay or poem. Despite my brain being physiologically averse to all things cohesive, I wanted to publish one more collection of words to the Constant Nausea landscape before 2025 recedes into the history books.

~*~

It’s New Year’s Eve and I’m heading back home to Kansas City from Phoenix. I obviously have nothing to offer you but half-formed thoughts and recent photos.

Half Memories:

My first memory of hallucinating was when I was five years old. God bless my sweet mother who, at my request, crouched down onto her hands and knees to search around my closet for Hell; I was absolutely convinced that one of its many portals had opened in my closet while I was too ill with the flu—or any number of sicknesses I contracted as a child—to move. I knew her heart was in the right place when she slid open the closet door, crawled partially inside, patted down the carpeted floor, then reemerged calmly as ever and assured me that the closet was void of portals; that she’d checked every corner. Unfortunately for me, I also knew that the rat bastard little demons were smarter than us both, and that just below the floor boards they sneered and waited impatiently for my mother to exit the room so they could re-open their portal and taunt me, kill me, or abduct my frail body and hold me prisoner in their lair for all of eternity. My mother then tucked me back in to bed like a snug lil bug in a rug, and as I watched her exit the room I thought, Well, here we go.

The demons obviously didn’t abduct me that day, but I’ve never stopped believing that that place wasn’t real.

~*~

Unrelated to the previous paragraph: Sleep paralysis is a spiritual/paranormal experience. Agree or disagree?

~*~

A memory that takes up rent-free space in my head: A year and some weeks ago, I interviewed for a job with an environmental organization’s team of directors primarily consisting of decades-long engineers—one who formerly worked at Los Alamos—project managers, and a diverse group of primarily straight-laced, analytical types, and when asked a question about cultural sensitivity, I responded with a then-recent anecdote and casually tossed out the word “colonizer” like it was your everyday, totally-professional noun… because I have absolutely no chill. Amazingly enough, though, these people were stoked to hire me (so I was later told) and I’ve been working there for nearly a year. It amazes me everyday that in this egregiously competitive job market (I’m so sorry recent university graduates, you all deserve a refund), this team of ecologists, engineers, geologists, researchers, and hard data people were like, “Yeah, let’s take the kinda weird candidate with the creative writing degree who sent us a writing sample that included a vaguely anti-cop article and an inappropriate review of a Hulu TV series.”

I don’t know, folks, being yourself pays off sometimes, but if you’re anything like me, it’s also cause for a lot of 2 AM ruminating about every dumb thing I’ve ever said or done. Here’s to forgetting about some of these moments in 2026.

~*~

An excerpt from the inappropriate review of Hulu’s The Great that was in my writing sample, just in case you thought I was exaggerating:

CONTENT TIME:

Quotes:

Film:

Bright Star (2009)

Admittedly I haven’t seen this film in a while, but still, it’s a period piece with talented actors, it’s a love story, and it’s about John fucking Keats. Some critics loved the movie; others felt it sappy and too long. The division among viewers is stark, but as a sappy gal myself, Bright Star has my full endorsement.

Music: 

1. Kristine Leschper’s 2022 album, The Opening Or Closing Of A Door

An ethereal slow burn containing practically zero immediately catchy lyrics or hooks, so it’s not for everyone. But with a little time, the lyrically sparse, intriguing sounds in this album might just infiltrate your brain and linger a while. I found that I had a new favorite track every two to three days.

2. Lily Allen’s West End Girl (2025)

First of all, we need more memoirs-as-albums in 2026.

Secondly, when Lily dropped a chorus with the lines, “I didn’t know it was your pussy palace / I thought it was a dojo,” it’s because David Harbour quite literally told his wife, Lily Fucking Allen—the woman who rose to fame thanks to her ex-boyfriend-bashing song, “Smile”—that his OTHER APARTMENT was for practicing karate. When I heard the song the first time, I genuinely thought the chorus was some sort of metaphor, but alas, those lyrics were a metaphor in the same way David Harbour’s apartment was a dojo.

Videos: 

Lately I’ve been fascinated by all of the Red Bull-sponsored videos of extreme sports attempts on YouTube. I’m continually horrified by these people’s insanity, but so fascinated. It’s also been a nice reprieve from the political/cultural chaos machine that is my YouTube algorithm, full of clickbait titles that 80% of the time include the phrase, “CRASHING OUT.”

MY BRAIN IS CRASHING OUT!

We spend so much money on war when we could be funding people’s dreams to skateboard off of skyscrapers, free climb an airplane while in the air, or successfully execute the most extreme flying obstacle course humans have ever attempted. Honestly, if your brain needs a break from reality, I highly recommend the aerial obstacle course. These people have no chill.

So here’s one such example of a psychopath skating off of a ramp built onto the side of a skyscraper:

What I’ll be working toward in 2026:

• Learning French

• Finishing cool art projects with friends

• Working on my core muscles because mine are nonexistent and my back hurts more than it probably should at my age.

• Touching trees and walking around barefoot and planning for a killer garden this spring.

• Learning more about just about everything, except math and sports and chemistry. In these matters, I accept my ignorance with arms wide open

• Taking public transit more often

• ____________________________________________

What are your new year’s goals, plans, mantras, etc.?

Wishing you a great start to 2026. Until next time.

HV :)